Friday, July 25, 2014

USCCB Declares NSA Awareness Week A "Smashing Success"

Original picture source.
Washington, DC: The United States Council of Bishops' staff are very pleased with the response to their annual NSA Awareness Week, July 20-27.

"This year was different, the week needed new leadership," admitted a USCCB insider who wished to remain nameless.  "So we gave it to a young volunteer committee--they walked in off the street, actually--and they really took it in a new, fresh direction.  Our people in the pew need more than a 'here is the next round of Creighton model classes.'  So our social media campaign was more 'in your face'--and people we never thought were interested in contraception issues were linking to us, sharing,'s been just great."

Some of the most popular tweets were:

  • "God's beautiful plan for building families: be aware of NSA methods" 
  • "When was the last time your priest talked to your parish about NSA?  Encourage him that people want to know how to avoid artificial intelligence in your natural cycles" 
  • "You're 'snowed in'? Feeling amorous? Did you chart that? Can it be used as evidence in international court?" 
  • "It's's about's God's plan. NSA: surveillance for love".

Some pastors admit being confused.  "I know it's been a few years since the sem, but I'm not up on this new evangelization technique," admitted Fr. Anthony Smith of Chicago.  "I thought this week was usually, just don't use artificial contraception.  I'm not sure when the NSA got involved, but apparently they're into everything now," he shrugged.

Liberal social media moguls, like The Daily Kos, were horrified. "We had high hopes that the Catholic Church would back us on the scourge of the NSA.  Instead, they apparently went on a blitz to support the NSA, even applying their unconstitutional techniques to marriages.  What are you going to do, ritually wire tap your wife?" a contributor raged.

The USCCB insider argued that the week's experimental blitz proved that talking about NSA was much more popular than they had been led to believe for years.  "There is hope for Humanae Vitae.  There is hope for our marriages.  There is hope for our families.  All because this culture has finally, at long last, embraced discussing NSA.  Thank you, God."


p.s. still clueless?  A play on an annual awareness week held every year in the USA.  Never heard of it?  That could be the problem.

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