People Leaving the One, Holy, Apostolic Catholic Church Over Bad Beanie Weenie Casseroles

Washington, DC: Mystery solved: a Pew Forum double blind survey sent to 10,000 random U.S. citizens this March 2011 discovered a shocking trend: people are leaving the Catholic Church over subprime casseroles.

Photo credit.

Respondents to the survey, which first determined whether respondents defined themselves as "disaffected," were asked to check off the factors caused them to leave the Catholic Church. The largest percentage (32%) said they were leaving due to lack of time, and the second largest percentage (30%) said they didn't see religion as necessary in modern life. But a surprising 76% combined have left Catholicism based on bad casserole and fried fish experiences: 30% for "I hated the Beanie Weenie Casserole," 26% for "I hated the Taco Salad casserole," and 20% for "Any more fried fish on Fridays and I'll get iodine poisoning."

When the disaffected Catholics were asked if they had converted to another religious practice, 12% of the disaffected Catholics wrote in "Applebees Bar and Grille."

"This was an enlightening research tool," noted Bishop Carl Jungerhier. "Although there is debate about whether we should be encouraging people to 'offer the casserole up' or just start an new ascetic order of bread and water, clearly, something must be done. We expected the results from the disaffected Catholics to say 'they're not being fed,' when in reality, they ARE being fed: fed fried, over baked junk."

"Not to worry, we've seen the light," said St. Ann's Church pastoral associate Jonathan Gerund. "We're spreading our wings and starting a Friday sushi bar at the Knights of Columbus. Take out available. The next frontier: Grilled BBQ tofu Fridays!"

--IC