Monday, April 29, 2013

CDC: Grandmothers of College Students in Immediate Danger of Death This Week

Back in happier times.
Metropolis, USA: The Center for Disease Control has posted a warning that grandmothers of college students are at high risk of sudden, unexplained death during the final exam period at their grandchild's university.

The phenomenon was first noticed here in town at RBCU*, when English professor John Huttman noticed a pattern over the years of students asking for extensions on final papers and exams due to the sudden death of a grandmother.  "Grandfathers are in a weak spot too, but the pattern of reporting definitely indicates grandmothers are in more danger.  My colleagues and I have noted this over years of service, and clearly the only thing to do in terms of public health was to report it to the CDC.  Mid-December and late April are clearly hazardous times for grandparents in this country," he explained.

The CDC, in its research, noted it is especially alarming that the grandmothers "seem to disappear off the face of the earth--like they were never here.  Whatever the disease is, it is destructive to the point of complete obliteration.  For this reason, we have put out a notification."

The CDC suggests that grandparents request syllabi from their college-aged grandchildren and lock themselves in their homes when final exams, or any exam, approaches.  Eat healthy food and drink, and have a trusted friend call on you twice a day.  The good news: once the exam date has passed, they can venture outside their homes.  Attending graduation is understood to be safe.


*RBCU=Really Big Catholic University

Hat tip to my colleague Patrick O'Shea for the original joke.

1 comment:

Panda Rosa said...

What's even more alarming is that they have a way of dying more than once. Of course such deaths nearly always tend to coincide right before finals, or in extreme cases, during bad dates. As one girl put it, "Thank heavens it was your grandmother who died. Another fifteen minutes and mine would have to."