Showing posts with label darker humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label darker humor. Show all posts

Monday, August 18, 2014

"Boiling Bucket" Challenge Fails To Raise Funds For Mission Trip

Not quite boiling.
Barren, Minnesota:  Inspired by a viral charity challenge that involves achieving a monetary goal and ice buckets, the St. Bartholomew youth group issued a "boiling bucket of glop" challenge: donate or collect donations of $100 to their Fall mission trip to Appalachia, and one of the youth group members will get dunked with a boiling bucket of glop.  They earned $3.27.

Tom Wilder, the youth group leader, admitted he was not sure what went wrong.  "Clearly this idea has legs: just look at facebook these days," he said.  "We just tweaked it for northern Minnesota.  It would be like a warm shower on a cold day--and all our days are cold.  Of course we're not going to boil our youth group alive.  I guess some people didn't get that.  Good grief."

In the meantime, parents were outraged that their kids may be put in harms way for a fundraiser.  "What was wrong with the annual bake sale?" sputtered a mother who wished not to be identified.  "I already have 10 loaves of zucchini bread made.  I don't want my son home with second degree burns!  And who is going to eat my zucchini bread?"

Fr. Mark Thompson, the pastor, said that the idea for this fundraiser arose spontaneously from the kids, and "took on a life of its own before we could finesse it."  He also said that despite rumors, the "boiling glop" was not going to be liver stew.  "But it's moot, because we are having a bake sale, period.  No liver.  Nothing boiling.  Cooled off baked sugar things."

On the up side, according to Wilder, a nearby college fraternity has expressed interested in the structure of the fundraiser to combine raising funds for charity with freshman hazing.  He added that the boiling was a joke, and he was certain that, being college students, they "got that."

BREAKING NEWS: An anonymous donor promised to pay for the entirety of the mission trip if the group would stop doing any fundraisers for a year.  The parish has gratefully accepted.


Tuesday, October 08, 2013

Flannery O'Connor Moonlights as the Tooth Fairy

From my good friends at Korrektiv.

Hint: it's lighter than you'd expect.  But just barely.

Monday, April 01, 2013

Public Catholic Owns Up That Church Moral Teaching Is Wrong

Washington, DC: A politician, whose handler begged he/she not be named due to illness, has in his/her own words, "owned up."

"Easter was so--so freeing, it felt like the perfect time to be completely honest: I don't agree with a whit of it.  Natural family planning, the pro-life movement, marriage defined as an exclusive union between a man and a woman.  It's all wrong.  Yeah, so is male-exclusive ordination.  Wow, do I feel so much more myself in saying that out loud," said the politician, smiling.

"The thing is, I like the focus on the poor.  I know the Church does great outreach.  I do believe the Apostles Creed.  And I don't want to hurt my grandma by leaving, and my constituents like their elected official to have some church affiliation.  So I've muddled through.  But I tell you. its been tough.  If it weren't for the religious priests and sisters and other folks on facebook who clearly agree with me, or are at least willing to support my conscience, I don't know what I'd do.  Rethink my position, I guess," he/she said, laughing hysterically.

When asked why not join a different Christian church, given there are communions which embrace the creed, social justice, and abortion, he/she said "I don't think that would be good for my spiritual growth.  I was born to be a prophet, a mover and shaker.  That's why the people of my district elected me.  I accept the difficulties of my position.  But man, I wish the Church would wake up and listen to me already.  I mean, its getting old.  And I love this honesty bit.... I could get used to this."  At this point, the handler physically pulled him/her away.

The politician's name may be revealed after hospitalization for exhaustion.  In the meantime, another Catholic public figure has scheduled a press conference to announce he actually thinks the Church's concern for the poor is inconvenient, misguided, and just evil to law-abiding people of means.


Traditionalist Catholics Accuse Pope of Changing Weather for Easter

February Snow in Rome: it will look like this.  Image credit.
Metropolis, USA: A group of Catholics who write for a popular blog called "Rockin The Church Traditionalists" have accused Pope Francis of changing the weather patterns in Italy to mimic the southern hemisphere for a blustery Easter morning.

"I have tried to hold my tongue," said the blogger known as DamnTheClownMassesAndEveryoneElse, "but I must upgrade the volume of my critique from the warm confines of my supportive group of saved friends on facebook to the callous and cold wide world of the Internet.  I am deeply regretful to have to call out the Holy Father during such a solemn week and on his Holiest of days, but this morning was the last straw, and justice must be served.  He has clearly imported Argentinian weather to the sacred land of Rome.  Everyone knows that Easter must be Springlike.  This morning's increasingly cold weather indicates the Pope is rejecting an age old tradition.  No doubt this will lead to the increased use of silver as a precious metal and women's ordination.  This cannot, and will not, stand."

Another blogger who goes by MaryWoreBlueCombatBoots agreed.  "By all means, we know Christianity is a European religion.  Eggs and new life go with a Springlike Eastertide.  Changing Rome to fit the Southern hemispheric patterns means that we will serving pumpkin pie at the Easter table.  Dried leaf collages for Easter rather than daffodils.  It screams of death...a symbolism of death for a religion that is being killed.  And Happy Dead Easter to you too."

When a commenter remarked that the Southern hemisphere has millions of Catholics who have managed to celebrate Easter around the autumnal equinox, the commenter was roundly accused of being a Marxist commie who promoted theories of global warming.

The bloggers were reportedly in masses of reparation Sunday afternoon, and not available for comment.


Wednesday, November 07, 2012

Religious Liberty Offers Concession Speech

(Cut to a speaker at the microphone, addressing an extremely large crowd)

I would like to thank all of you for supporting me here today.  Wow, it's been a good couple of centuries, hasn't it?  (wild applause)  Thank you, thank you.  Well, we fought the good fight, we ran the race.  I'd like to tip my hat to my opponent, Secular Pseudo-Tolerance, for winning this particular battle.  (boos)  Now, now.  Let's be honest--because freedom allows us to be honest, and integrity compels it.  I think people get used to me being around for them, and take me for granted.  I like that, to be fair, when people act like I am an intrinsic right.  No need to be showy about it.  I'm a backgrounder kind of guy.  But being a backgrounder may have hurt us here.  People haven't felt the pain when religious liberty is suppressed in a while.

You Catholics in the room? (roar)  You know about this.  You have the experience of American history on your side. Rhode Island was your experiment, not in creating a Catholic state, but a free state where people could practice whichever religion they wished.  You Mormons in the room?  (roar)  You know what it means to be persecuted, because who else would agree to set up shop in a desert?  You Jews in the room?  (roar)  You know more than most that when religious freedom is dismissed, so is human decency and respect.  And it goes downhill, quickly, from there.  You Muslims in the room?  (roar)  You know what's happening in France.  Its a sad state of affairs when a country is telling you that you should be wearing less clothing rather than more.  You Evangelicals in the room?  (little roar)  We thank you for standing by the principle of free, adult choice in practicing religion that is at the heart of your theology.  You mainline Protestants in the room?  (silence)  Oh, sorry.  Got carried away there.

Maybe we could have made our case better, but its hard when you are used to having human rights to suddenly not having them--and having to voice why a right so embedded within American history needs to be protected within public policy. Friends, this is simply a battle, and we have a new day and new fights for which to prepare.  I may be a backgrounder kind of guy, but people do notice when I'm gone.  People of good will realize that freedom is more dear than convenience.  But you need to continue to stand up for me.  You need to take the high ground and recognize this is not about your particular faith or your particular party.  You need to remind people that freedom of religion is linked to freedom of speech, thought, and conscience.  Indeed, you can always make the right choice, at cost.  But you can fight for a nation that makes living according to conscience a high value, and part of what it means to be not only a citizen, but human.  (strong applause)

Suddenly: milling around, confusion.  A man steps up to the microphone.

"Excuse me, everyone.  Where did that guy go?"

and a big hat tip to Jeff Miller for the idea

Monday, February 06, 2012

Religious Institutions Forced to Pay for Employees’ Slaves

Washington, DC, April 19, 1847: The U.S. administration, after considering a conscientious objection exemption for religious institutions, decided that Catholics institutions must pay a “forced servanthood fee” for employees who wish to own slaves, up to $1,000 a slave per year.

“It is the law of many states that slavery is legal, and white men are free to own slaves. Indeed, most white men want to own slaves, seeing how abolitionists are treated like village idiots. So it seems natural and fully American that we should force Catholic institutions in slave states to facilitate owning others, and potentially killing them if they do not fit their needs. We won’t make parishes comply because we don’t think they own slaves anyway, but every other Church affiliated institution, you have a year to change your entire moral system to suit,” argued the Secretary of Health and Human Slavery, Mr. Charles Moore.

Catholic Bishops responded with outrage, arguing the mandate trespasses the freedom of religion clause in the constitution, by forcing them to act in opposition to their doctrine. However, many people on Twitter said “They just hate slave owners and the Southern way of life, grow up #freaks”, so that must be true.

At a press conference last week, a reporter asked why the Amish and Mennonite organizations were excluded from this mandate, and the press secretary, Henry White, said, “Candidly, because their numbers are so small they don’t matter.” The reporter asked what that had to do with the constitution, and White continued, “Plus, it’s not considered politically sporting in this day and age to crush pacifists fleeing religious persecution. We thought about it, and thought, not yet. Next question?”

Many Catholics were very happy about the government giving white men money to own slaves and determine their own destiny as landowners. On the other hand, administrators at Catholic institutions were deeply concerned that they could be indirectly facilitating an evil, and perhaps more so, losing their religious identity to that of the nation state. “Where would this stop?," argued a hospital president who wished to remain nameless. "A requirement to hand out slave coupons on the campus plaza? Every Catholic hospital required to construct a slave block, in case an employed person not of the Catholic faith wanted to use it?”

The Ku Klux Klan asked people to write letters of appreciation to the administration. The Bishops asked people to resist and pray. The newspapers continued going to Twitter for their research.

Tomorrow's edition: Unnamed administration officials consider requiring Catholic elementary school to allow non-Catholic teachers to use waterboarding as corporal punishment.


p.s. I know this is offensive. That’s the point—so is the reality it is targeting.

p.p.s. I know there are quite a few historical oddities in this article (like Twitter in the 1840s). It's satire, people, not a history textbook.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Pastoral Super Committee Fails

Belleton, IL: The St. John's pastoral evangelization and implementation committee, commonly called the "Pastoral Super Committee", failed to reach an agreement as to how to implement the Great Commission, and the project sits shelved until the next bishopric appointment.

"I don't believe it," mumbled long time parishioner Sheila Johnson, shaking her head after leaving mass this Sunday. "We put our faith and hope in these people."

"We knew Fr. Donahue had high standards going on--this whole 'in Christ there is not slave nor free, woman nor man, Jew nor gentile' thing--but creating a committee to come up with a plan to reach EVERYONE, made up of every constituency in our parish, seemed like tilting at windmills," said co-chair Cece Martinez. "We had Spanish speakers, Anglos, Republicans, Democrats, soccer moms, Opus Dei, Pax Christi, and more represented. And we decided this week: the Great Commission just can't be done."

"This doesn't mean that evangelizing through the parish doesn't work," insisted the other co-chair, Johan Jutland. "It just've got to...oh, geez. I have no idea."

Fr. Donahue, when called for comment, was silent. Afterwards, he said "My main concern is that the Great Commission is not optional. It is the lifeblood of the Church. If they say it can't be done, then what does that say about the Church? or the trustworthiness of Jesus' words?" After more silence, he apologized, saying he needed to go pray now, and hung up.

At press time, there was a group of 25 teenagers quietly picketing the parish church, praying the rosary, holding "Occupy The Body of Christ" signs.


Monday, November 21, 2011

Even More Things Catholics Don't Like To Admit

You've thought about calling someone a sedevacantist but you are torn between the sins of insider insulting and overweening pride of vocabulary.


(Actual funny stuff at The Amused Catholic Ezine....)

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Chancery Gets Pushback For Ad: "Fluency in Laity required"

Megapolis, USA: Local diocesan officials are, in their own words, "flustered" by what they insist is a typo in the diocesan newspaper, asking through an ad that the new Cross Cultural Ministry Director be conversant in "laity".

"Whether this is embarrassing?" asked the Vicar General of the diocese, Fr. Michael Smith. "Objection #1, I know that we wanted to create a ministry with an outreach to the immigrants from Laos. And some wanted someone who had studied Latin. On the contrary, I guess that's where this came from. It was sloppy on our part and I answer that, we want to assure the laity of the diocese that we actually know your language. Ahem, word up. God bless."

The mea culpa statement from the diocese didn't stop the flood of outraged letters pouring into the pastoral center today. An anonymous source in the chancery shared a few with the IC blog, and some were indeed scathing. "I knew it! You people haven't watched Dancing With the Stars in your life! You don't drink Milwaukee's Beast because it's a cheap escape and you don't have friends who are divorced, sleeping around, and like Danielle Steele novels! My recommendation? Like any other language: full immersion is the key, you theological headcases. I'm enclosing a copy of People magazine." Another pleaded, "We don't want YOU to become laity. We just want you to recognize that we have different vocations and STOP EXPECTING US TO BE PRIESTS!!!" One letter writer seemed almost grateful, however: "Look, we always knew you didn't know the language. It's been awkward. At least now you're advertizing for us."

Journalism professor Aaron Berryman at RBCU* did note that the ad and public statement were a bit fishy: "First, our immigrants from Laos don't speak Laotian, the word similar to laity, but Hmong. Second, considering Latin knowledge for a cross-cultural ministry position makes very little sense unless the ministry is to ancient Romans. Third, let's be honest: it's funny because it is true. I think the printed ad was legit, and no typo at all."

Some lay people, working for the diocese, argued this was getting blown out of proportion. "I have a great relationship with the clerical members of the diocese. For example, some ask me if I expect to procreate again any time soon. It's kind of sweet, really, since they know my wife and I hope to have a big family. So, their English is a little different. It's no big deal," said Director of Youth Ministry, Scott Jordan.

When the anonymous chancery source was asked whether pastors were going to be asked to make summer immersion trips in learning Laity, in the model of the common Spanish immersion trips, he replied, "No, of course not. Ridiculous. But, those opportunities exist?"

*RBCU=Really Big Catholic University

Thursday, June 02, 2011

Hemlock Society Proposes Cannibalism for Nutritional Value

Apparently the Food Pyramid has met its sad end, with dignity or not. So I'm resuscitating an old post that used the pyramid for some pitch dark satire.... IC


Left: The USDA Food Pyramid. The man running to the top is sacrificing his life and body for others to eat, according to the Hemlock Society.

New York, NY: The Hemlock Society, in an effort to make assisted suicide more logical and beneficial for all involved, is suggesting that the people euthanized be eaten for the nutritional benefits.

"We believe that human life should end in dignity, so in order to share that dignity with others, we think that a high-nutrient human food is an idea whose time has come. You honor the dead by destroying them, harvesting their essential nutrients, and strengthening your own body," explained Sherman Lockwood, a member of the society.

Using the USDA Food Pyramid, Lockwood explained how eating different parts of euthanized people could extend other person's quality of life. "You want to be careful not to overindulge in protein. Make human flesh part of a balanced diet. Salad would be a good side dish, for example; vitamins and fiber in one sitting."

There was, however, a dark side to this announcement: "We just want to caution people: if you plan to do this, you must kill the other person with a drug that would not be received as poison by the cannibal. Otherwise, your own death with dignity may be coming a bit sooner than you plan."

Although the Catholic Church has expressed outrage at this concept, Lockwood responds: "I don't see what the fuss is about. This idea is quite noble: people sacrificing life for the greater good. And if people can't see that their lives are useless and without worth, we'll take care of them, I mean, that. After all, the American public has already determined that we should be allowed to create and destroy human life for the good of finding cures to disabling and fatal diseases. This simply takes the concept to the next level. Or really, the same level, but a little later in the game."

When asked what was next on the Hemlock Society's agenda, Lockwood said, "We're thinking about how to teach our message of dignity through usefulness to those in famine-infested areas. Instead of dying slow and painful deaths due to malnutrition, we'd like to offer them the option to shoot them up. More dignified death for them, fewer drains on resources, and therefore more nutrients for us and the others affected by famine: problem solved."

When asked whether it wouldn't be a better use of time and energy to go to famine-infested areas and share food and water, Lockwood responded he wouldn't entertain ridiculous questions, and closed the interview.


Hat tipping the idea from a offhand remark from Drew at The Shrine of the Holy Whapping...and Jonathan Swift.

And... the real, scary unironic article that inspired this.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Friday's QOTD

If consumer products are sacral fetishes, the mall is the cathedral of consumption, where we process to ease our hunger for relationship and transcendence. We purchase products called Absolut, Eternity, Infiniti, Opium, Love, Idole, Happiness, Joy....The 'habitus' of capitalism is a mode of life in which human existence is ontologically grounded in the world of things.

--John Kavanaugh, SJ
Who Count As Persons? p. 146

(although now we'd say the internet is the cathedral of consumption....)

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

"Just *how* much fun was that time in Egypt, again?"

Just *how* much fun was that time in Egypt, again?

...maybe it's referring to the infant boys are being drowned en masse in the Nile River as child sacrifice to a foreign God? (Exo 1:22)

(Can't improve much on the Flickr poster's title, though.)

Monday, August 02, 2010

The Domestic Church Raises Funds Through Named Bricks and Shingles

(click to enlarge)

Loden, California: The pitch was familiar: we have our expenses, consider your time, talent, and treasure, we need everyone to pitch in as they form and educate the people of God. The group was decidedly different.

A local "domestic church" is stumping for funds to operate.

Joseph O'Hara, husband to Catherine and father of Ian, Lucy, Henry, and twin infants James and Jeanne, have made a public request for funds to operate their community of faith via a brochure and radio advertisement.

The brochure states "Life--what a beautiful choice. We love God, love each other, and love our neighbors. If you want to promote the small way in which we live out the gospel of life, we would be honored to accept your donation. A $25 donation would secure you an engraved brick on on our western wall of the house, which we affectionately call "the wailing wall" due to its proximity to the baby's bedroom."

Engraved shingles are also available for donors who prefer to remain anonymous but to God and low flying aircrafts.

In an exclusive interview with The Ironic Catholic, O'Hara said "I've lost my job and we've fallen on hard times--I know, everyone has--and frankly, we thought about becoming a mendicant family, basically, begging like Francis. But then we thought-hey--our pastor keeps calling our families in the parish the domestic church, and what does our parish do when it's broke? It names every nook and cranny of the building. So I think the possibilities are endless--we've got a couple of trees, doors, you name it. And if someone wanted to install a stained glass window for us, we're not going to say no."

Catherine O'Hara added "At first I wasn't so sure. But we have a ministry too. One of my church leaders said 'no money, no mission', and I guess that's our motto. Plus we want to fend off our creditors."

O'Hara said that he would be willing to offer tours of the ministry and property, preferably outside of 1pm naptimes.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

A New Twist on Lent 2010: Mandated Donut, Heat, Missalette Fasting

Chicago, IL: In light of the penitential spirit of the Lenten season, as well as a record breaking deficit from the collection plate, Fr. Aaron Gibraltar of All Saints Parish announced a change in practice for the parish: no donut fellowship.

"We're going to get together and talk as friends in Christ Jesus, and there will be no donuts. No coffee either. And you will like it. Or offer it up," intoned Fr. Aaron from the pulpit.

It was the first of many "mandated fasting" initiatives for the parish. A letter was sent out Monday to current parishioners that the heat was going to be turned off in the church starting immediately, with a recommendation to bundle up accordingly. Additionally, the missalettes the church provides for worshippers will not be re-ordered to save money. The current missalettes were burned for warmth in the pastor's office Monday morning.

"On the up side," wrote Fr. Aaron, "those missalettes rose like incense before the Lord, inspiring spontaneous prayer to live through this financially strapped Lent. So we indeed are participating in the traditional Fasting, Prayer, and Almsgiving of the universal Church. Well, the first two, anyway."

Parishioners were non-plussed. "But I had already chosen chocolate," said 29 year old Jason Richman. "I like heat. Donuts, too." Another parishioner was bemoaning the loss of the missalette. "I'm really attached to the funky art and what the heck are we going to do, sing 'One Bread One Body' from memory every week?"

A newly discalced Fr. Aaron, burning his shoes to grill dinner, could not be reached for comment.

Friday, January 29, 2010

College Students Say The Darndest Things

My amusement for the day:

I finished teaching an exploration of the 10 Plagues sequence from Exodus, and the plagues were listed on the board (water to blood, frogs, gnats, flies, pestilence, boils, hail, locusts, darkness, death of the firstborn).

A student from next class walks in, looks at board: "So, we're talking about the state of the American economy today?"

(ba da bump. I think we're at boils.)

Interestingly, a relevant Dilbert comic.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Stained Glass Companies Ready to Embrace "The New Illiteracy"

Photo source, right. Click picture to enlarge.

Rochester, MN: Midwest Sacred Glass and Art, Inc. has a splashy new campaign for selling stained glass in these trying economic times: "Stained Glass Artists Against The New Illiteracy."

Company owner and head artisan, William Nuttle, said that the advertising slogan was a natural. "We're in an era where people are waking up to a cold bucket of reality. While the economy has led the way in this regard, part of the chilling effect is the cold reality that Catholics no longer know their faith."

Another artisan and employee, Clarice Henderson, said "In the middle ages, illiteracy was rampant. It wasn't the only reason for stained glass windows, but those windows did highlight the basic themes of salvation and creation; they told the story through pictures. Now, people can read, but they won't pick up a book and learn about their faith. Then they may go to church on Christmas and the only color in the Church is in the poinsettias and the parking lot. We think stained glass windows are the 21st century evangelists."

In a focus group of 20 practicing Catholics, the company said that 10 people were given a stained glass print of the Pentecost and the other 10 the scripture of the Pentecost from the book of Acts. More people understood the the picture, although when both media were shared, people questioned why the apostles in the stained glass depiction did not look drunk. "Look, there are limits to every medium," Nuttle said. "But the thing was--they remembered the story. Isn't that what we want?"

When asked about Catholic backlash to being called "illiterate," Nuttle said, "Actually, we've gotten some positive feedback from pastors and church workers. More than most people, they know the disease. But the cure has been illusive, and we think we've got it. Besides, I defy you to show me a person who doesn't love stained glass. Ok, except some lingering Zwinglian reformers."

A church official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, remarked "It's worth a try. It sure would be easier to set up than 'Generations of Faith'."


Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Catholic Silver Linings For Those Disappointed The Day After An Election

(Rocco breaks it down here.)
  • Thank goodness it's over. Now I can get back to being brainwashed by consumerism instead.
  • For the Catholic environmentalists...there is a little tree out there rejoicing: Hooray! I'm not destined for a glossy lying insert!
  • I think my prayer life is destined for a serious uptick.
  • Kyrie Eleison has a whole new meaning today, doesn't it?
  • You suspected it was countercultural to be Catholic. Now you know. It's a beautiful life: so go do it.

p.s. still praying 15 minutes more everyday at NaPraGoMo....

Friday, September 05, 2008

IC's Friday QOTD

Gee. And I always thought Scripture said God First.

(p.s. I'm an equal opportunity offender in American politics. See my snark on Obama here. Now let's all go read Forming Consciences for Faithful Citizenship and pray that novena, shall we?)

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Local Parish "Gives Up," Begins Worshiping America on Holiday Weekends

Irving, TX: St. Mary Magdalene Church announced at this past Sunday's Mass they were going to "keep it real, keep it honest" by admitting that they were simply worshiping the United States on 4th of July weekends.

"It was so freeing," gushed Joy DeLouche, a long-time member of the parish. "Some of our members fought against this move, but it was so refreshing to be honest about what we truly want. Everyone just wants to sing America the Beautiful on this weekend, and the parish needed to get on board with the rest of the country."

DeLouche's husband, Jim, said "Yeah, some said it was giving up God for the culture of death, but really, y'all, we're grilling sausage and juggling sparklers. There's a time and a place for everything, you know?"

One of those opting out of the Sunday Mass was Ron Jackson, who said this started years earlier. "First we had an American flag in the sanctuary. Then it got moved to the altar. Then we sang a patriotic songs on the 4th, and other state holidays. Then all the songs became patriotic songs. I appreciate living in the USA, but I was increasingly uncomfortable with this. I heard this weekend was going to go all out, and I decided to worship in another town."

When asked what was different about this weekend's Mass, Joy DeLouche said "First, people were really singing because we love those patriotic songs, you know. Father came down the aisle draped in a red, white, and blue stole, and his homily on "being like a little child" for our country was really stirring. We handed out rosaries for the occasion with little "flag beads". The statue of the Blessed Mother is already blue, so we did up her fingernails in red and white. And the altar was draped in Old Glory, and we lit some Roman Candles after the consecration. So, really, our liturgy committee didn't think it wasn't all that was mostly the externals that made the Mass, you know."

Jim DeLouche admitted, "There was one unfortunate moment. We all stood up to say the Pledge of Allegiance between the Word and the Eucharist, and one person kind of ... well ... he had a seizure or something. He began foaming at the mouth and shouting something about "you shall worship the One God alone" or something...candidly, I think he was possessed. We gently led him out so we could worship the flag in peace."

The diocese was not available for comment, due to the holiday weekend.