Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Wednesday, December 07, 2011
The priest says to the rabbi, “When are you going to break down and try some of this bacon? It is great! Why would God make something so good and not want you to enjoy it?”
The rabbi smiled and said, “On your wedding day, Father.”
(OK, I felt guilty, but I did laugh at that.)
Patheos is collecting religious jokes! See them all here.
Friday, August 26, 2011
A woman went to the beach with her children. Her four-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand.
“Mommy, what happened to him?” the little boy asked.
“He died and went to heaven,” she replied.
The child thought for a moment and said, “And God threw him back down?”
Friday, July 08, 2011
Thursday, July 07, 2011
Wednesday, July 06, 2011
Tuesday, July 05, 2011
A few minutes later, along came another boy riding his bicycle. As he passed by the graveyard, he stopped and listened carefully as he heard a voice say "One for you and one for me; one for you and one for me..." He suddenly jumped out of skin and exclaimed quietly to himself in a frantic whisper, "It's the Lord and Satan dealing out souls!" He left his bike and ran as fast into town as his legs could carry him. In his fright, he didn't see a feeble old man and he ran right into him. The disgruntled old fellow got up and brushed himself off and reprimanded the hurried boy, enraged. "What's the big idea?!" demanded the old man.
"Come quick, mister!" said the frightened boy. "You must come to the graveyard!"
"Go away!" said the old man, "I don't have time for games!"
"No, you don't understand!"
"Shoo I said!"
"But the Lord and Satan are dealing out souls in the graveyard! You must come quick!"
They argued for a minute until the old man relented and decided to follow the boy and see what the deal was. The old man followed the boy down to the graveyard and as they approached the gate, they heard a voice saying, "One for you and one for me; one for you and one for me..." The old man trembled in fear as his suspicions were confirmed. The boy had been right.
"N-n-now do you believe me?" asked the boy.
The old man nodded slowly, and cautiously the pair approached the cemetary gate. Finally, the voice stopped and said, "All right. We're done separating them. Now let's go get those two nuts down by the gate and we'll be done."
And the old man beat the boy back to town.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Ignatius of Loyola:
For the spiritual exercise.
St. Antony of the desert:
Teilhard de Chardin:
The chicken was pursuing a teleological upsurge toward final consummation in the Omega Point of Divine Love.
The chicken was struck by a truck while crossing the road, but experienced a flash of grace in the instant of its death. I prefer peacocks anyway.
St. John of the Cross:
The chicken was practicing detachment from all things northbound.
After a life of fowl debauchery, ignoring his chickenly restlessness and turning away from the peaceful goodness that is God alone, the chicken received the grace to convert, turning and walking the other way--thereby crossing the road of life versus death, praise be to God.
Whether the chicken crossed the road?
Objection: It seems that the chicken did not cross the road, for chickens are accustomed to the farmyards that are the source of their food, and the hen house that is the source of their rest.
On the contrary, "And God said to Noah, 'Go into the ark, and take with you . . . seven pairs of birds of the air. . . ." -- which could not have been accomplished had the chickens not crossed the road to the ark.
Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith:
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road, as long as it had the right of way and crossed in an approved crosswalk.
St. Lawrence of Rome:
Run, chicken, run! Run from the rotisserie!
St. Joan of Arc:
He was called to lead a cock-fight against British fish and chips.
Let's just hope that the chicken had a life-changing encounter with the risen Christ along the way.
And the angel of the Lord went before the chicken, and there was a strong wind, and the traffic parted before the chicken, so that it was able to go into the midst of the road, with the traffic forming a wall on the left and a wall on the right, so that the chicken crossed the road safely. The farmer pursued the chicken into the midst of the road, and the angel of the Lord looked down on the chicken, and the traffic closed in on the farmer, so that the chicken did prevail with the help of the Lord.
Cleopas and companion:
Dunno. Our hearts were burning within us.
Father Daniel Berrigan:
Clearly, the chicken crossed the road as a nonviolent protest of the road's implication in the military-industrial complex.
Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments:
We're not sure, but if it was trying to reach across the road to hold hands with another chicken during the Lord's Prayer, we may have to butcher it.
Um. I didn't know Brother Chicken had a mind's road to God.
To join our soup line. Excuse me--in all hospitality, I need to have a warning chat with that bird.
Ad Hoc Committee to Oversee the Use of the Catechism of the Catholic Church:
The Ad Hoc Committee to Oversee the Use of the Catechism of the Catholic Church declares that this joke is not in conformity with the Catechism of the Catholic Church because 1) it lacks Trinitarian organization; 2) it fails to teach about the judgment of all chickens and the real possibility of hell for all chickens; 3) it fails to mention the fallen nature of the chicken; 4) it fails to use the male personal pronoun to refer to God . . . in fact, it doesn't mention God at all. Why we are reviewing this? What was the question again?
...and while we're getting into it, why did the chicken cross the road, anyway?
Who is this who dares darken counsel by asking why the chicken crossed the road? Gird your loins like a man; I will question you, and you will answer me: Where were you when I made the chicken, with its ineffectual yet tasty wings? Did you give the chicken its cluck? Is it by your wisdom that the chicken runs, flapping its wings toward the distant horizon? Did you set the foundations of the earth upon which the road runneth? Answer, for surely you are great in years!
Of what account am I? See, I will lay my hand on my mouth, and ask no more why the chicken crossed the road.
And last of all, three years ago from Lori:
Jesus: "O chicken, why cross the road when you can get under my wings! How often I have longed for it and you would not! Please come to me . . . I know you have free will, but . . . come back, please. . . Hey, look out for that car!"
Thursday, March 17, 2011
He is seated and the waiter comes over to his table to take his drink order. “I’ll have a Coke,” he states. The waiter says: “Diet or Regular?” “Um, regular.” “Caffeine or caffeine-free?” “Uh, with caffeine.”
The drink is brought to his table and the guy orders his food. The waiter asks what kind of dressing on the salad, “Italian, French, Thousand Island, raspberry vinaigrette?” He says: “Italian,” and the waiter immediately comes back with “regular Italian or fat-free?” “Regular,” says the man, with a hint of impatience in his voice.
And it goes on, with the steak order: “how do you want that prepared, rare, medium rare, medium, medium well, or well done?” and “how do you want your vegetables: raw, steamed, baked, boiled, blanched or fried?” and “how would you like your potatoes: baked, French fried, or mashed?”
Finally, the poor man has had enough and looks up to heaven and shouts: “I can’t TAKE all these choices!” He then turns his prayer to his patron saint saying: “St. Francis, HELP ME—help me with all these decisions!”
At that moment a big voice comes booming down and says: “Assisi, Xavier or DeSales?”
HT Where the Rubber Meets the Road.
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
Bad theological jokes from all over the Christian tradition (and beyond) for your Wednesday. Enjoy!
Q - What did the Calvinist say when he fell down the stairs?
A - Ughh! Sure glad I got that over with.
I visited The Church of Appliantology, founded by L. Ron Hoover.
It really sucked.
A Jehovah's Witness and a Unitarian Universalist started a new religion.
One day they knocked on my door.
But when I answered, they just stood there.
After a couple moments of silence, I queried, "Well, what do you want?"
"Oh, nothing in particular," they replied.
How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? Two...One to change the light bulb and one to cast out the spirit of darkness.
Q: Why did the apples in Noah's ark have no worm?
A: Because they all came in pears.
The Former mayor of Chicago Mr. Daley died and wound up in hell. Satan was tickled pink to finally have him. "Ok, Mr. Mayor," Satan said "time to pay the piper for your career." From that time on Satan submitted him to the hottest section of hell. Well time goes by and Satan decides to see how Daley was doing.
Imagine Satan's surprise and anger when he found Mayor Daley singing and happily going about things. He barked at Daley "WHY are you so happy?" To which Daley replied " I thought it would be torment down here. I am a Chicago politician this is a cake walk compared to that."
Satan storms away and his wheels start turning, what is he going to do? No one is to enjoy their time here. He gets an idea. In the section where Daley is Satan has the temperature changed to 1500 degrees below zero. As before he waits a little while and then he goes to check on Daley. Much to his shock and horror Daley is even happier than before. He is yelling cheers and singing and jumping up and down.
"What are you doing now?" yelled Satan.
Daley answers "The Cubs won the World Series!!!!"
Four engineers were talking theology. One said, God must be a mechanical engineer because He connected our bones and made them move by muscle action. Another engineer said God must be a chemical engineer because of the way He made us to convert food into energy. The next said God must be an electrical engineer because of how He made our brains send messages throughout the body. The last engineer said 'I think God is a civil engineer because He ran the waste pipes through the recreation area.'
How do you get a professional theological blogger off your porch?
Answer: Pay him for the pizza!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
An oldy but goody.The Top Ten Ways The Bible Would Be Different If It Were Written By College Students
10. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning cold.
9. The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced and written in a large font.
8. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.
7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.
6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to abuse @ romans.gov .
5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.
3. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.
2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshman.
1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put if off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
Friday, November 26, 2010
|Ulrich Zwingli would be proud.|
Catholics serve a traditionally roast turkey from the oven, nicely browned and basted, year after year after year after year, method handed down from generation to generation. And God declared it good.
Orthodox brethren serve a traditionally roast turkey from the oven, although it is unclear in the planning every year who is in charge and where the feast will take place.
Lutherans defiantly roast that turkey: standing, because they can do no other, and relying on the good book (The Joy of Cooking). But the real communion comes in the next day hotdish.
Episcopalians smoke the turkey with an excellent glass of sherry. And focus on the side dishes if the turkey ends up looking pretty but a little dry.
Reformed Christians burn that piece of fallen creation over a spit and mournfully ingest it.
Southern Baptists deep fry their turkey. That way it's a lot more like the deep fried chicken Ma makes for the Sunday dinner.
Methodists make sure the turkey is "strangely warmed." And I don't know what that means either.
Pentecostal: Turkey Flambe.
Church of Christ: The Bible doesn't say to roast a turkey, so they don't. Likely to order out and have turkey delivered.
Disciples of Christ: They allow anyone so moved to offer the Turkey. Immediately.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
(Thanks to my mom, watching out for me and the blog. If anyone knows who credit with these, let me know. She sent me others and I love them all...will be parceling them out....)
(Aha! Apparently from here.)
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Please go read and enjoy Pithless Thoughts, by Steve Robinson, who is Orthodox. He does a lot of Orthodox humor, but you Catholics (and Protestants) can stretch. Besides, he does this great visual humor he calls "Orthographs":
Yes, there is a book, and based on the first 100 orthographs, and I'll bet it's fun: here.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
Your receipt for attending Mass.
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish
A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher
than that of the congregation's range.
The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since
most of the people have already left.
An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges
with good basketball teams.
The original 'Jaws' story.
When kids have kids of their own.
The only Greek words that most 'Part Timers' can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
Where Mary placed Jesus because Joseph forgot the crib
when packing the donkey.
The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass
consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late
parishioners looking for seats.
The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass
led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking
The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
The only people in the parish who don't know the seating
capacity of a pew.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
How well do you know YOUR (mostly Protestant) hymns?Dentist's Hymn................................Crown Him with Many Crowns
Weatherman's Hymn.......................There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
Contractor's Hymn.........................The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn...........................Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn..........................There's a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn.....................Standing on the Promises
Optometrist's Hymn........................Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn.....................I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn............................Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn...................Send The Light
The Shopper's Hymn........................Sweet Bye and Bye
The Realtor's Hymn...............I've Got a Mansion Just over the Hilltop
The Massage Therapists Hymn.......He Touched Me
The Doctor's Hymn...............................The Great Physician
AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:
45mph....................God Will Take Care of You
65mph...................... Nearer My God To Thee
85mph...................This World Is Not My Home
95mph.......................Lord, I'm Coming Home