Special Pre-Christmas Offer: God's Holy Oven For Half-Baked Ideas

Some ideas look good until you open them up....

(informational advertisement)

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There is no shame in addressing the past in the glow of God's ovenly light.  Don't bother denying it.  Those ovens from years past may have started out a lovely avocado green, but you know by their dirty camo appearance--they are idols.  Those ovens don't bake.

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Ideas need to be baked in the Gracemore 77x7.  It's true, some cooks say you can stew ideas, but that just makes for good philosophy.  Or you can fry ideas, but your ideas often end up burnt.  Some even grill ideas, but that's just an excuse to slather them with muddling sauce.  Baking is the method of choice, for ideas need to rise, to expand.  They reach the fullness of their being through baking in the Gracemore 77x7.

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p.s.  Act now and you can also obtain God's Holy Yeast to be used in God's Holy Oven!  Never experienced a half-baked idea again!

Local Catholic Woman Avoids Halloween By Calling It "Pre-Advent"

Meagerville, California: Mary Ellen Gallagher said the inspiration came from seeing miniature purple lights on sale at the local Target.

"I was going through the aisle of evil and trying not to see the hoochie girl-devil costumes for toddlers, when the blinking purple lights caught my attention, and I thought, hey, Maranatha!  Advent is coming!
So I thought, if it's coming anyway, why not turn Halloween into pre-advent?" mused Gallagher.

If you go by Gallagher's home this evening, you'll see the house draped in purple lights, a pumpkin hallowed out into an advent wreath, and speakers blaring out "O Come O Come Emmanuel."

"I'm looking forward to it," enthused Gallagher.  "I plan to tell the little kiddies that this bag of skittles is the first treat of their pre-advent calendar.  And to repent of what they are wearing before they go to hell."

One church leader, who asked to speak off the record, mentioned that while it was good that people were avoiding the lack of modesty and glamorizing evil issues with secular Halloween, rushing into advent may be an overreaction.  "I'm not sure liturgically you can have a pre-pre-Christmas season," he said.  "Plus, it's all Saints Day, which deserves it own day, right?"

Gallagher said she knew she would have detractors, but she didn't care.  "The purple lights were too good to pass up.  I know there are orange lights on sale too, but I wanted to leave something for the Tibetan Buddhists in my neighborhood.  Pre-advent makes me charitable like that.  Happy Pre-Advent to you all!"

--IC

***

p.s.   People can do or not do Halloween as they wish, and if you do it, there are better and worse ways.  I recommend Fr. Grunow's Let's Reclaim Halloween myself.

"Boiling Bucket" Challenge Fails To Raise Funds For Mission Trip

Not quite boiling.

Barren, Minnesota:  Inspired by a viral charity challenge that involves achieving a monetary goal and ice buckets, the St. Bartholomew youth group issued a "boiling bucket of glop" challenge: donate or collect donations of $100 to their Fall mission trip to Appalachia, and one of the youth group members will get dunked with a boiling bucket of glop.  They earned $3.27.

Tom Wilder, the youth group leader, admitted he was not sure what went wrong.  "Clearly this idea has legs: just look at facebook these days," he said.  "We just tweaked it for northern Minnesota.  It would be like a warm shower on a cold day--and all our days are cold.  Of course we're not going to boil our youth group alive.  I guess some people didn't get that.  Good grief."

In the meantime, parents were outraged that their kids may be put in harms way for a fundraiser.  "What was wrong with the annual bake sale?" sputtered a mother who wished not to be identified.  "I already have 10 loaves of zucchini bread made.  I don't want my son home with second degree burns!  And who is going to eat my zucchini bread?"

Fr. Mark Thompson, the pastor, said that the idea for this fundraiser arose spontaneously from the kids, and "took on a life of its own before we could finesse it."  He also said that despite rumors, the "boiling glop" was not going to be liver stew.  "But it's moot, because we are having a bake sale, period.  No liver.  Nothing boiling.  Cooled off baked sugar things."

On the up side, according to Wilder, a nearby college fraternity has expressed interested in the structure of the fundraiser to combine raising funds for charity with freshman hazing.  He added that the boiling was a joke, and he was certain that, being college students, they "got that."

BREAKING NEWS: An anonymous donor promised to pay for the entirety of the mission trip if the group would stop doing any fundraisers for a year.  The parish has gratefully accepted.

--IC

USCCB Declares NSA Awareness Week A "Smashing Success"

Original picture source.

Washington, DC: The United States Council of Bishops' staff are very pleased with the response to their annual NSA Awareness Week, July 20-27.

"This year was different, the week needed new leadership," admitted a USCCB insider who wished to remain nameless.  "So we gave it to a young volunteer committee--they walked in off the street, actually--and they really took it in a new, fresh direction.  Our people in the pew need more than a 'here is the next round of Creighton model classes.'  So our social media campaign was more 'in your face'--and people we never thought were interested in contraception issues were linking to us, sharing, retweeting...it's been just great."

Some of the most popular tweets were:

• "God's beautiful plan for building families: be aware of NSA methods" 
• "When was the last time your priest talked to your parish about NSA?  Encourage him that people want to know how to avoid artificial intelligence in your natural cycles" 
• "You're 'snowed in'? Feeling amorous? Did you chart that? Can it be used as evidence in international court?" 
• "It's natural...it's about family...it's God's plan. NSA: surveillance for love".

Some pastors admit being confused.  "I know it's been a few years since the sem, but I'm not up on this new evangelization technique," admitted Fr. Anthony Smith of Chicago.  "I thought this week was usually about...well...um...look, just don't use artificial contraception.  I'm not sure when the NSA got involved, but apparently they're into everything now," he shrugged.

Liberal social media moguls, like The Daily Kos, were horrified. "We had high hopes that the Catholic Church would back us on the scourge of the NSA.  Instead, they apparently went on a blitz to support the NSA, even applying their unconstitutional techniques to marriages.  What are you going to do, ritually wire tap your wife?" a contributor raged.

The USCCB insider argued that the week's experimental blitz proved that talking about NSA was much more popular than they had been led to believe for years.  "There is hope for Humanae Vitae.  There is hope for our marriages.  There is hope for our families.  All because this culture has finally, at long last, embraced discussing NSA.  Thank you, God."

--I.C.

p.s. still clueless?  A play on an annual awareness week held every year in the USA.  Never heard of it?  That could be the problem.

Daily Mass Attendee Prays For "A Boring Intention"

Urbana, IL: Dorothy Greenland, a long time parishioner of St Margaret of Scotland Church, has called a small riot by her prayers.

She's not speaking in tongues.  She's not praying for heresy.  She's asking the church to pray for "a boring intention."

"Well, my mother taught me that not everything we want is all that special," argued Greenland after a daily mass.  "For years I have asked the daily mass crowd to pray for a special intention, and it never felt right.  I know the intention, and it's real, but it's boring.  That's the honest truth.  So I decided to be honest and all this happened," she finished with a shrug.

"All this" was a pastoral council meeting convened to determine whether Greenland was being snippy, clever, demented, or suffered from self-esteem issues.  "I got lots of questions," Greenland said.  "No one was ever interested in my special intention, but they sure seem interested in my boring one."

Carol Rauchen, the chair of the pastoral council, said she still didn't understand why she just wouldn't drop the modifier.  "For an intention," Rauchen explained.  "Simple and to the point.  It's the modifier that bothers me.  My teenaged kids think church is boring, and this isn't helping me make my case that it isn't."

"Just seems abrupt," argued Greenland back.  "'For an intention.'  Please.  I'm communing with the Lord and His Church, not ordering fast food."

Fr. Stephen Stewart sagely noted that that the phrase seemed to be better changed to "for a silent intention," since the person usually wants prayers without spelling out the details.  But he said he wasn't bothered by the modifiers one way or the other.

"As long as it isn't 'for a salacious intention,'" he closed.

--IC

Scottish Catholics Introduce "The Theology of the Toddy"

Edinburgh, Scotland: Local Catholics gathered yesterday for what has been called the "theological time bomb set to go off with dramatic consequences, sometime in the third millennium of the Theology on Tap": the Scottish rendition of Pope Saint John Paul II's audiences, dubbed "The Theology of the Toddy."

The Prince's Pub was overflowing with young people and free hot toddies for the event, where Fr. Malcolm Westergate preached that the theology of the toddy was based on "pre-given language of self-giving and honeyed spicyness" that was part of the toddies' very creation.  "The prelapsarian land of spices, Eden itself, is held in every hot toddy sipped by a human person.  The land of the covenant, a land flowing with mild and honey, is prefigured.  Technically, the whisky should be milk, but then no one would drink it, and God is merciful, after all," he insisted.  

There were also Church critics of the Theology of the Toddy present.  Angus Righthold handed out anti-toddy literature to people coming in for the event. "The very problem here is held in the word 'hot.'  We have 'hot toddies,' now.  Who can think of the toddy without the word 'hot'?  It just sounds a bit risque, and I don't appreciate being forced to consider whether I consume my toddy too hot, mate.  Would ye give your Blessed Mother a 'hot' toddy?  I don't think so.  My case is made and my conscience is clear," he said, sipping a pint of Ale.

Righthold's argument seemed lost on the enthusiastic crowd of young people, who left claiming that the talk helped them see "the spousal meaning of the Toddy" in radically new ways.  "The free Toddy gives itself to me, and I give meself to God freely.  Or something like that," gushed Aidan Abbott.  "All I know is I am feeling very giving right now.  Ye are all me brothers and sisters and spouses, eh mates?"  A roar rose in the background.

Fr. Westergate announced the next Theology on Tap would be titled "Love and Toddy Responsibility."  "I think it be best," he admitted, seeing the free Toddy enthusiasm in the streets surrounding the pub.

--I.C.

p.s. I wrote a serious book on the real thing (The Theology of the Body). It's for sale here.

Local Man Uses The Word "Perichoresis" After Freebasing the Church Fathers

Theological pseudoephedrine.

A local man, identity withheld until his family is notified, has been taken into police custody after repeatedly using the theological term "perichoresis" in public.  He has been charged with speaking under the influence of the Church fathers.

"Dude, I couldn't help myself.  Those sweet Cappadocians got me hooked bad.  Once I began Gregory of Nyssa's Life of Moses, I couldn't stop.  And then it became a daily habit, you know?  I was waking up early, reading Athanasius' Contra Gentiles.  Every work break I was frantic, checking out free reads in CCEL on my IPhone.  I tried to hide it, I tried to keep reading contemporary writers.  But I had to get back to 4th century, you know? This is my koinonia, brothers!" babbled the arrested man in a written confession.

Officer Tim Johnson said "Clearly this is a very sad case. He was trying to hide his habit from friends and family for weeks, but after freebasing on the Post-Nicene Fathers volumes, he began including "perichoresis" in every sentence he used.  Like 'Have a very perichoresis day!'  It just didn't work for his employer, the Target Corporation.  So we were called in."

The man was arrested after Target shoppers gathered around, watching him try to "do the dance of one in three," as one witness called it.  The witnesses suggested it looked a lot like the polka with a little hip hop kick.

Officer Johnson said that the man, having confessed he was under the influence of the early Church fathers, will likely plea-bargain to a detox clinic, most likely a local retreat house.  "This is a tricky thing though.  Almost anything can trigger a relapse: five syllable words, the smell of musty books, paying any attention to a church liturgy," he admitted.

--I.C.

p.s. Wrote a book with perichoresis in it, but lots of easier words too.  You could buy it here.

Jesus Says Twitter Is More Virtuous As Bloggers Close Down Shop

Twitter=virtue?  Looks like the Holy Spirit.

New York City, NY: Catholic blogger Mariann Seneca did not expect to stop blogging forever at 10am this past Sunday morning.  But due to listening to the Gospel reading at her parish, she did just that.

"It's just that when our priest intoned 'Let your yes mean yes and your no mean no; anything more is from the Evil One,' I realized: I have nothing at all to blog about now," she admitted, wiping a tear from her eye.  "I mean, I blog on Catholicism and politics with a daily dash of cultural criticism.  EVERYTHING I write is more than yes or no.  'Yes, because she's an idiot.'  'No, over my dead body.' Seriously, what does a blog post look like when you strip it down like Jesus Christ commands?  I've got a title: 'Is embryonic stem cell research wrong?' and the entire body of the post is one word: Yes.  I'm frozen here, I don't know what to add.  Can I even add a meme? I just can't blog under these conditions."  And she wept bitterly.

Fr. Fred Gallman, social media director at the diocese, noted that while the gospel gives "rich food for thought," he admitted it would be useful to go a bit beyond yes or no, to present arguments for the yes or no pastorally and logically.  "The point is not to get on a roll with your pride," he said. "And occasionally, to just shut up."  When asked if he really meant that, he closed his eyes and said, "Yes."

Other Catholics involved in social media argued that the gospel provided an opportunity for micro-blogging, aka twitter. "The pithiness of twitter was forecast by Jesus years before we caught on," argued Dr. John Savenborne, professor of communications at RBCU*.  "Indeed, one could argue that twitter encourages virtue by pruning our lack of charity.  According to the Sermon on the Mount, the Kingdom of Heaven is a twitterverse."

"Facebook," Savenborne added, "is for parables. But few can master that method.  And after the parable is given, you need to walk away.  Virtually impossible for anyone but Jesus."

Seneca said she would consider moving her forum "Kickin' Catholics" over to Twitter, but was concentrating on gratitude for her narrow moral escape.  "At least I don't have to pluck my eye out today," she sighed.

--IC

* RBCU= Really Big Catholic University

The World Council of Churches' Winter Olympics: medal round up

Photo credit.

Geneva, Switzerland: The World Council of Churches, tired of the lengthy debates and nuanced discussions of ecumenical work, broke loose and held its first Winter Olympics last week.  Enjoying good sportsmanship and fierce competitive spirit (except for the Quakers), the denominations participated in each sport.  The hard won results are found below.

Alpine Skiing 

• Downhill  Gold: Lutherans, Silver: Southern Baptists, Bronze: Reformed
• Slalom  Gold: Roman Catholics, no silver or gold because all other competitors diverged off the path

Biathalon, Gold: Roman Catholic, Silver: Coptic Orthodox, Bronze: Byzantine Rite Catholics

Bobsleigh, Gold: Lutherans, Silver: Methodist, Bronze: Prebyterians

Cross Country Skiing, Gold: Pentecostalism, Silver: Roman Caholicism, Bronze: Evangelical Christians

Curling, Gold: Quakers, Silver: Unitarians, Bronze: the Amish

Figure Skating,

• Mens, Gold: Russian Orthodox, Silver: Anglicanism, Bronze: Ukrainian catholic
• Womens: Gold, Russian Orthodox, Silver: Ukrainian Catholic, Bronze: Roman Catholic
• Ice Dance Pairs, Gold: Russian Orthodox, Silver: Roman Catholic, Bronze: Antiochene Orthodox

Freestyle Skiing (Moguls), Gold: Unitarians, Silver: United Church of Christ, Bronze: Episcopalians

Ice Hockey: Gold: Roman Catholic, Silver: Presbyterian, Bronze: Lutheran 

Luge: Gold: Seventh Day Adventist, Silver: Messianic Jews, Bronze: Jehovah's Witnesses

Nordic Combined: The WCC convened and decided they had no idea what Nordic Combined was.  While an attempt was made to create an ecumenical discussion on the definition of the sport, it was decided this would be even more difficult than finding a common definition of the eucharist/Lord's Supper and everyone decided to head to the chalet and have a reconciliatory fair trade cocoa instead. Competition cancelled.

Short track Speed Skating, Gold: Evangelical Christian, Silver: Jehovah's Witnesses, Bronze: Baptists

Skeleton, Gold: Reformed, Silver: Lutheran, Bronze: Presbyterian

Ski Jumping: Gold: Roman Catholicism, Silver: Pentecostalism, Bronze: Willow Creek

Snowboarding,  Gold: Spiritual Not Religious, Silver: Unitarian, Bronze: United Church of Christ

Speed Skating,  Gold: Roman Catholic, Silver: Greek Orthodox, Bronze: Russian Orthodox

In general, it was a good Olympics for the Catholics, who traded on their endurance, liturgical elegance, and ability to adapt, the Russian Orthodox, who train like heck for any sporting event and brought a deep beauty to every event, and the Lutherans, since Luther's small catechism required facility in winter sports for confirmation (the little known reason for Lutheranism's long standing popularity in Scandanavia).

The surprise of the games was the weak showing for the Baptists, who do make up a significant percentage of Christians worldwide, but the president of the Southern Baptist Convention reminded people that Baptists typically shrink and die north of the Mason-Dixon line, and perform better at the Summer Olympics.

Ecumenical dialogue begins again starting March, after the bragging rights have died down.

--IC

Bishop Augustine Saes Takes On The Donutist Heresy

New York, NY: Bishop Augustine Saes is not holey, and he wants everyone to know about it.

"I didn't intend to take on the Donutists when I stepped before the ambo, but the Holy Spirit drove me to speak," admitted the bishop.

In this past Sunday's homily, the Bishop shocked his flock by publicly challenging the little old ladies in charge of hospitality, who called themselves Donutists.

"I know--it has been said--that I am not worthy to be a bishop by the Donutists, who claim that my love of sweet sugar pastries is not pure, and that I have indulged the the spicier side of life," declared Bishop Saes.  "Yet I tell you that I was not always holey, and stand here before you only by the sweet grace of God."

"Who before us is worthy?  Who has not strayed into the hot pepper aisle of Trader Joes?  But God made me worthy, and the Donutists' fixation on the quality of my sugar intake is old news.  The new news is the depth of God's mercy, forgiveness, and bavarian cream filling."

The committee president of St. Cyprian's Donutists, Maybelle Knutson, was taken aback by the public scolding. "We only want good and holey bishops here.  It could be scandal to see your bishop eat pickled habernero peppers, if you know what I mean.  I know others have asked, how can I trust a man who didn't grow up loving donuts?  We have it on good account that he once stole pears from a tree outside of Dunkin Donuts.  Really, who can explain such a thing?"

Diocesan theologian Fr. Brian Cahill admitted this could all be clarified through the old Latin phrase ex opere operato: the sacraments are valid in the doing, not the hot sauce eater who does the doing.  "I believe Bishop Saes is in the clear.  I myself have indulged in hot salsa in my youth.  But he, and I, and all good Christians are devoted to the power of a good donut."

One pastor, who asked for anonymity, wondered if we could just go back to serving bland baked fish after mass, like they did in the early Church.

--I.C. (with a little help from Daria on facebook, thanks!)

p.s. Last Day!  If you help my friend Renee by donating to her adoption find at Reece's Rainbow--any amount--you could win $200 in giftcards!  Sharing on fb and twitter counts for an entry as well.  See this post for more!

"After 26 Weeks Of Anticipation, 27th Sunday In Ordinary Time Just Around Corner"

From the ever humorous The Eye of the Tiber:

The Christian West––After 26 weeks of eager anticipation, it was reported today that hundreds of millions of Catholics from across the Christian West began preparations for this week’s long-awaited celebration of the 27th Sunday in Ordinary Time. “Really, outside of Christmas and Easter…and the feasts of the Assumption, Ascension, All Saint’s Day, Immaculate Conception, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday, Holy Thursday, and Good Friday, there’s really not a more exciting Sunday for a Catholic,” creator of the popular Catholicism series, Father Robert Barron, told EOTT. “Well, then you have the Sundays in the Christmas and Easter Season, and the minor feast days, but after that, it’s all about the 27th Sunday in Ordinary Time. Sorry, I forgot about Holy Saturday, Divine Mercy Sunday, Trinity Sunday, Pentecost Sunday…” Barron went on to announce that he planned on producing a new 12-part DVD series about the 27th week in Ordinary Time titled Ordinary. At press time, leaders of the militant group Al-Shabaab said that they would cease all attacks on Christian groups in the Middle East and elsewhere out of respect for “Christians around the world who hold dear, the 27th Sunday in Ordinary Time.”

More of this excellent jest here.

Cousin of the Ironic Catholic Interview on The Feast of the Assumption

Mary assuming that the clouds won't drench her clothing.

The RBCU radio station has once again tapped the cousin of the Ironic Catholic, CIC, to answer a few questions about today's solemnity, having forgotten what a disaster those interviews have been.

Radio host: Good morning and Happy Solemnity of the Assumption to you!

CIC: Thanks, but it's a feast.

Radio host: What?

CIC: If it's happy, we eat.  I'm Italian.  Hence, Feast.

Radio host: Well, technically, the word is solemnity....

CIC: Too many syllables.  I used up all my multi-syllabic powers on consubstantial.  Movin' on.

Radio host: Let's start over: Happy Solemnity or Feast of the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary!

CIC: Thanks!  I just love this day.

Radio host: Fantastic!  Why is that?

CIC: Because I'm really good at assuming things.  Like, I assumed there would be free donuts here, like at Church after mass, because its a Catholic radio station and all.  And I assume the sun will rise and set and so on.  Assuming really gets me through life, ya know?

Radio host: But...that has nothing to do with the assumption of Mary.

CIC: Oh, I understand.  Mary probably assumed different things, like Joseph would be out building a chair or Jesus would pitch in with the dishes, being the Son of God.  We can have different assumptions.  You know, my parents and I assume different things all the time.  It was a bonding thing, growing up.

Radio host: No, no, no, I mean the assumption of Mary refers to her being assumed--taken--into heaven, body and soul.  No second coming for her, since she was born without sin.

CIC: (long silence.)  OK, that's different.  How the heck do you assume you're going to go to heaven body and soul?

Radio host: You don't do the assuming.  Neither does Mary.  This is actually about God.

CIC:  Well, isn't everything.

Radio host: See, God assumes Mary into heaven.

CIC:  Listen here, you heretic.  God is beyond assuming.  I'm positive there is no assuming in the Summa.

Radio host: (one minute of tortured silence.)  Um.  Would you like a donut?

CIC: Now you're talking.  I told you I was good at this assuming stuff.  (munch munch munch)

Radio host: And ...please join us next time, please...when we ... when we ... interview someone else. Hey. there's a Bavarian Cream here....

(Music swells in the background.)

Pope Francis Stops By Local Blogger's Computer Station, Chats

 After reading the latest act of Pope Francis:

"Buona sera, daughter.  How are you doing?"

"Jerry, I'm brainstorming.  And where did you get that outfit? And accent?"

"No, I'm Pope Francis.  I just hopped off the bus; it got a little off track.  Where am I, now?"

"Minnesota.  The United States.  Um, you're really the Holy Father?"

"Could I fake the Swiss Guard over there?"

"Oh My Gosh!  Can I...shake your hand?  Kiss your ring?  Offer you a drink?"

"No, no, I'll stop by the coffee shop later and pick up a decaf.  Daughter, I have one question for you.  How's your work?"

"This work?  You mean blogging?  Well, it's...OK...I mean it doesn't pay but I'm happy to do it."

"Do they treat you alright?  How's the computer chair?  The laptop giving you trouble?  Are you offering it to God?"

"Ummmmm.  Well, I work for myself in this, Holy Father, and the commenters are usually too kind.  The chair is fine.  You know, my laptop may be possessed though.  Is that possible?"

"Not really, my daughter, it's a piece of hardware.  Well, I'm afraid I must go find a bus back to Vatican.  I just wanted to check in.  I know keeping up that Twitter account of mine is challenging enough.  It's a challenge, just put your faith in God and work with a generous heart." 

"Wait!  Wait!  I should ask you something theological...oh forget it.  But Holy Father--could you bless my kids?"

"Claro.  But how about you?"

"Me?"

(Well, a woman can daydream....)

Next: Pope Francis, using the handle Pontifex, moves into an NFP online chatroom to just say hi.

Blogger Patents "My Personal Pope Francis Sieve"

Just ingest what you want and get rid of the inconveniences!

Minnesota, USA: A Catholic Blogger that goes by The Ironic Catholic has launched her latest get solvent quick scheme, inspired by the headlines of today: the Personalized Pope Francis Sieve.


"It's just making physical what most of the population is already doing," explained the IC.  "When you put something in a sieve, you are able to direct the food material into one direction of your choosing.  Plus you sift out the stuff you don't want.  We've been doing it for years!  St. Maria Goretti got forced through the purity sieve and no one heard about her heroic forgiveness.  Dorothy Day got forced through the social justice sieve but her rather traditional Catholic piety got sifted out.  But its been so immediate and obvious with the Holy Father, I decided to expose the reality and allow everyone to buy their own personal Pope Francis sieve to use and enjoy."

For the past few months, people have noted that the mainstream media has been very enamored of Francis, usually for one or two reasons, ignoring that he holds basic tenets of Catholic teaching that they tend to excoriate.  But random Catholics, too, have been treating Pope Francis through their own interests.  The man has been scrutinized with horror regarding liturgical innovation, upheld as one who is catechetically brilliant because he kissed a baby, a lover of high-density development by those who note he's not living in the Papal apartments.  One media personality has gone so far to say the easiest to understand, most plain-spoken Pope in decades should have handlers to theologically interpret what he says.  (No one has mentioned that perhaps Americans should learn a second language.)

The IC said the sieve idea was a natural.  "One day I was reading facebook and I realized my neck hurt.  After going to the doctor, she said it was a classic case of whiplash.  Since I've been in no car accident, I can only assume its half a year of reading facebook and encountering all these Francises.  Since I am pretty sure he is one person, the sieve idea came to me like...like a cooling brace to wrap around my neck."

The sieve is available to be personalized with a picture of Pope Francis and your three favorite things about the Holy Father.  The sieve will be available at some Etsy store soon, and the IC aspires to make the Ship O' Fools gadgets for God list.

***

Inspired by Terry Nelson's great essay here.

CDC: Grandmothers of College Students in Immediate Danger of Death This Week

Back in happier times.

Metropolis, USA: The Center for Disease Control has posted a warning that grandmothers of college students are at high risk of sudden, unexplained death during the final exam period at their grandchild's university.

The phenomenon was first noticed here in town at RBCU*, when English professor John Huttman noticed a pattern over the years of students asking for extensions on final papers and exams due to the sudden death of a grandmother.  "Grandfathers are in a weak spot too, but the pattern of reporting definitely indicates grandmothers are in more danger.  My colleagues and I have noted this over years of service, and clearly the only thing to do in terms of public health was to report it to the CDC.  Mid-December and late April are clearly hazardous times for grandparents in this country," he explained.

The CDC, in its research, noted it is especially alarming that the grandmothers "seem to disappear off the face of the earth--like they were never here.  Whatever the disease is, it is destructive to the point of complete obliteration.  For this reason, we have put out a notification."

The CDC suggests that grandparents request syllabi from their college-aged grandchildren and lock themselves in their homes when final exams, or any exam, approaches.  Eat healthy food and drink, and have a trusted friend call on you twice a day.  The good news: once the exam date has passed, they can venture outside their homes.  Attending graduation is understood to be safe.

--I.C.

*RBCU=Really Big Catholic University

Hat tip to my colleague Patrick O'Shea for the original joke.

Earth Lent Begins For Enthusiasts Of Earth Day

Earth Day, April 22, is now preceded by "Earth Lent."

"For the Earth says, 'In the time of my favor I heard you, and in the day of salvation I helped you.' I tell you, now is the time of the Earth's favor, now is the day of salvation," intoned Michael Gaia, head of the Winston City Council Earth Day committee.  "Seek the Earth, while She may be found.  Call to Earth, while She is still near, and not destroyed by acid rain."

The committee announced this preparation for Earth Day as a way to promote the various celebrations that are planned in Winston City Park, and to explain why there are trees in the park draped in black.

"This is our time of repentance.  The ritual of tears will be held every Saturday evening at dusk, where we will poke each other with sharp sticks until we cry, delivering our tears to Mother Earth," said Gaia. 

When asked why they were advocating Earth Lent now, instead of the traditional six weeks beforehand,  Gaia said "Overpopulation has accelerated the earth's own time clock, and the end is nigh.  We don't have six weeks for Lent.  Actually, according to the Sierra Club, we may not have time for three.  All the more reason to press on, we say."

Earth Lent officially began this past Dirt Wednesday, when committee members rolled in compost.

Local churches were not available for comment.

I.C.

Public Catholic Owns Up That Church Moral Teaching Is Wrong

Washington, DC: A politician, whose handler begged he/she not be named due to illness, has in his/her own words, "owned up."

"Easter was so--so freeing, it felt like the perfect time to be completely honest: I don't agree with a whit of it.  Natural family planning, the pro-life movement, marriage defined as an exclusive union between a man and a woman.  It's all wrong.  Yeah, so is male-exclusive ordination.  Wow, do I feel so much more myself in saying that out loud," said the politician, smiling.

"The thing is, I like the focus on the poor.  I know the Church does great outreach.  I do believe the Apostles Creed.  And I don't want to hurt my grandma by leaving, and my constituents like their elected official to have some church affiliation.  So I've muddled through.  But I tell you. its been tough.  If it weren't for the religious priests and sisters and other folks on facebook who clearly agree with me, or are at least willing to support my conscience, I don't know what I'd do.  Rethink my position, I guess," he/she said, laughing hysterically.

When asked why not join a different Christian church, given there are communions which embrace the creed, social justice, and abortion, he/she said "I don't think that would be good for my spiritual growth.  I was born to be a prophet, a mover and shaker.  That's why the people of my district elected me.  I accept the difficulties of my position.  But man, I wish the Church would wake up and listen to me already.  I mean, its getting old.  And I love this honesty bit.... I could get used to this."  At this point, the handler physically pulled him/her away.

The politician's name may be revealed after hospitalization for exhaustion.  In the meantime, another Catholic public figure has scheduled a press conference to announce he actually thinks the Church's concern for the poor is inconvenient, misguided, and just evil to law-abiding people of means.

--I.C.

Traditionalist Catholics Accuse Pope of Changing Weather for Easter

February Snow in Rome: it will look like this.  Image credit.

Metropolis, USA: A group of Catholics who write for a popular blog called "Rockin The Church Traditionalists" have accused Pope Francis of changing the weather patterns in Italy to mimic the southern hemisphere for a blustery Easter morning.

"I have tried to hold my tongue," said the blogger known as DamnTheClownMassesAndEveryoneElse, "but I must upgrade the volume of my critique from the warm confines of my supportive group of saved friends on facebook to the callous and cold wide world of the Internet.  I am deeply regretful to have to call out the Holy Father during such a solemn week and on his Holiest of days, but this morning was the last straw, and justice must be served.  He has clearly imported Argentinian weather to the sacred land of Rome.  Everyone knows that Easter must be Springlike.  This morning's increasingly cold weather indicates the Pope is rejecting an age old tradition.  No doubt this will lead to the increased use of silver as a precious metal and women's ordination.  This cannot, and will not, stand."

Another blogger who goes by MaryWoreBlueCombatBoots agreed.  "By all means, we know Christianity is a European religion.  Eggs and new life go with a Springlike Eastertide.  Changing Rome to fit the Southern hemispheric patterns means that we will serving pumpkin pie at the Easter table.  Dried leaf collages for Easter rather than daffodils.  It screams of death...a symbolism of death for a religion that is being killed.  And Happy Dead Easter to you too."

When a commenter remarked that the Southern hemisphere has millions of Catholics who have managed to celebrate Easter around the autumnal equinox, the commenter was roundly accused of being a Marxist commie who promoted theories of global warming.

The bloggers were reportedly in masses of reparation Sunday afternoon, and not available for comment.

--I.C.

Liturgists Worry About Conclavular Distractions During Rehearsals For Holy Week

Metropolis, USA: The liturgical commission of the Metropolis diocese, meeting for a Saturday workshop at RBCU*, was clearly looking a little frayed.

"This is usually not our best month, before Easter Sunday," laughed commission secretary Diana Tuberville nervously, "but the upcoming conclave has our directors of music in a panic.  No one is practicing the parts.  Everyone is swapping papabile articles by John Allen and Sandro Magister and setting their cell phones to popealarm.com ."

One liturgist, who asked not to be named, admitted "I'm going to shoot our deacon before the month is out.  He HAS to learn the Exsultet and its not easy--it got harder with the new translation too.  Instead, he admits that he intends to practice it every night and then gets sucked into what didn't happen in Rome today.  He can't ad lib this thing!  What if the conclave lasts a couple of weeks?  We're toast, I tell you."

RBCU Theology of Liturgy professor John Clintock, author of the book Liturgy in Hard Times: Praying with Love, Cracking the Whip, was the featured workshop speaker and addressed this most potent of distractions.  "First, I recommend that you create a dead zone in your Church--no cell phones, no tablets, no radios.  Or get everyone in the choir to turn their gear, turned off, and leave your cell on for emergencies and the 'habemus papam' text.  If these don't work, get out your hardest piece and make them do it without a run-through.  I don't care if you're a Gather parish--pull out some Palestrina is you have to. Hopefully that will put the fear of God into them and let the Holy Spirit take care of the conclave."

While fellow liturgists found that to be sound advice, many leaving the workshop were still bleak.  "Liturgists can't compete against the Pope.  I know I'm going to be reduced to singing Kumbaya with an autoharp Easter Morning," moaned Stacey Winston.

--IC

*RBCU=Really Big Catholic University

Pope Emeritus Shows Up In Ikea Looking For A Chair of Retirement

Staten Island: After the drama of abdicating the Petrine ministry for the first time in 600 years, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI was seen at the Staten Island Ikea looking for "one good solid chair."

"I brought the cat and swept out the apartment, but I forgot I needed a great big chair," admitted the frail man in lightly accented English.  "It's true I am retiring to a life of prayer, but I do not think God will begrudge me a place to sit down.  And the Chair of Peter must remain vacant until the new Pope is elected.  So I was thinking, maybe a La-Z-Boy.  I hear they fold back and are very comfy."

Lutheran.

As he was escorted in a golf cart (quickly dubbed the "Pope Emeritus-Mobile") around Ikea, store manager Steven Millton explained that they didn't carry La-Z-Boys but he would be happy to donate a futon of his choice.  At that moment, The Pope Emeritus spotted a lounge chair, and asked if he could sit in it.  "Definitely more comfortable," he was heard to say.  "It's a shame everything here looks so...how do I put this delicately?...Lutheran.  But I like the padding."

According to store employees, the manager drove the Pope through the wall art for sale and the Pope Emeritus smiled.  "The view will never be as good in any other chair," he was heard to admit.  "Michelangelo framed prints just are not the same.  I don't mean to offend you, my son; the 'abstract neon triangles of life' screenprint over here is very, very...geometric.  It's just that I prefer art.  Ah well.  My sight is on eternity now."

All in all, the Pope Emeritus appeared tired, but in good spirits, said Millton.  "He seemed to enjoy the Swedish meatballs, and said they tasted somewhat German," he reported.  "And I gave him directions to the La-Z-Boy outlet in Wykoff.  The man has earned his earthly rest, and I only want him to be happy," he said.

I.C.